Thoughts of suicide have been a daily struggle for *anonymous for the past year.
“They come about three to five times a day,” she said. “And basically they just make me think I’m no use and I’m not helping anything.”
She said nothing in particular sparks these suicidal thoughts, but having too much time alone can often stimulate them, and once they surface, they can’t be stifled.
“If I get in those ‘moods’ or whatever, I get really aggravated with everyone and I just don’t want anyone to talk to me and I’m really short with people,” she said. “Like, I’m already a sassy person, but I get even more sassy with them—like, rude sassy.”
To help her cope with these suicidal thoughts, she said she listens to music and tries to occupy her mind by thinking about different, happy things.
However, she said these thoughts can build up to the point that she doesn’t know how to control them, and in July, they pushed her to the point that she wanted to end her own life.
She said she planned to overdose on pills, but before she got the chance, one of her friends told her mom about it and her mom called the police.
“Leading up to it, I wasn’t really thinking about anything. It was just kind of… blank,” she said. “But then my mom came and then the police came and they had to ask my mom what was going on because I had a freak-out. I couldn’t breathe because the police were there and I didn’t know what to do.”
After that, she said the police made her go to her room to call the mental health center where she is currently a patient.
“It hasn’t really helped much because I’ve had to talk to counselors and people of that sort in the past because of my family, so I don’t like going to them,” she said. “I’m a little better because of it, but there’s still a lot of times when I’m really unstable.”
In addition to going to the mental health center, she said she has to take approximately 16 pills a day to treat her depression and anxiety.
Although she still struggles with these suicidal thoughts, she said her parents’ reactions to her suicide attempt keep her from wanting to do it again.
“I saw how my mom reacted to finding out about it. She was just so thrown off by it and it was really hard for her to take it,” she said. “And then I didn’t want to go over to my dad’s because he didn’t know what happened, so I didn’t go over there for like two weeks …and when he finally saw me, he started crying because he was so happy to see me. I just realized how much they actually cared about me.”
Since her suicide attempt, she said a lot of people act more hesitant around her, so she doesn’t have many friends. She also said she gets frustrated with how a lot of people take the subject of suicide so lightly.
“Some people think it’s a joke and they go around making fun of it, but I don’t think it’s very funny,” she said. “And a lot of people are like ‘oh, my mom won’t let me go out this weekend, that makes me depressed’… like, no.”
***
The first time *anonymous started turning to self-harm, drugs and alcohol to take her mind off of her suicidal thoughts, she said she was shocked with herself.
“I never thought I’d be the type of person to do that,” she said. “It was like a reality check that I’m not above anything—that life can just break anybody down as easily as it wants to.”
She has been struggling with depression since last November, and she said she has contemplated suicide every day since then.
“I’ve attempted three times,” she said. “There have been countless times when I get close to it and then back down, but I’ve attempted three official times, so after that it’s just kind of a thought in the back of my mind all the time.”
Leading up to her suicide attempts, she said her mind was a mess of negative, irrational thoughts that she couldn’t shake.
“I was just thinking about how worthless I was. I felt like nobody wanted me around and nobody would miss me,” she said. “And then one time I realized that people actually would miss me, but I didn’t care. I was being really selfish and I just decided that it was for my own personal benefit—like, I wanted it to end because of all the pain and suffering I was in. I wasn’t even thinking rationally.”
Immediately after her suicide attempts, she said feelings of disappointment set in.
“I was just really disappointed that I didn’t do it because now I have to sit here and live with the thoughts and I just start breaking down,” she said.
Although she has been diagnosed with depression and currently takes medication for it, she said she doesn’t think clinical depression is the reason her suicidal thoughts started.
“I don’t really think it’s a medical thing,” she said. “I think it’s society based. Self-harm, suicide and depression are all really talked about now, so I think those ideas were just kind of put in my head.”
While she said music can sometimes help her cope with her recurring suicidal thoughts, ultimately she still finds herself turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
“Whenever I’m feeling reckless, instead of turning to suicide, I just want to get really drunk or really high so I don’t have to think about it and it just gets my mind off of things for a couple hours,” she said.
She has been hospitalized and gone to therapists to try to get help and she said sometimes the therapists are helpful, but other times she just doesn’t want the help.
“Sometimes I don’t really want to find a way to deal with it,” she said. “Sometimes I just like being reckless.”
Although drugs, alcohol and reckless behavior help her cope now, she said she is wholly aware that these things are self-destructive.
“I know that if I keep going the way I am, it’s just going to end up a lot worse,” she said. “If I want to be successful in life, this is definitely not the way to go.”
She said the way self-harm and depression are glamorized in our society is completely backwards.
“I’ve noticed that people think it’s like ‘a beautiful thing’ to be depressed or to self-harm,” she said. “They think it’s quirky and unique and that significant others will like them more and be able to fix them, but that’s really not true at all. No one likes to deal with it and no one is going to be able to fix you.”
From her experience with self-harm and attempted suicide, she said she can definitely assure anyone who might be considering it that it’s not worth it.
“There’s like a 98 percent chance that you’re not going to be able to go through with it, so just save yourselves the trouble, skip the messy steps, and try to get help or try to keep yourself distracted,” she said. “And just know that there are a lot more people than you know who are dealing with this type of thing and there’s a lot of people out there who can relate to you and aren’t going to judge you for it. You aren’t alone in it.”
***
When junior Carra Mader’s sister committed suicide a year-and-a-half ago, Mader said it felt like the end of the world.
“At the time, things felt impossible,” Mader said. “I just wanted to be with her again.”
Mader said she went through countless emotions upon hearing of her sister’s death.
“At first, it was disbelief. I didn’t want to listen to my mom when she was telling me about it,” Mader said. “Then I went into straight shock, and after shock it was nothing but anger. I was yelling at everyone and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.”
This buildup of emotions following her sister’s death made Mader contemplate taking her own life.
“I just thought about how easy it would be to give up on everything and not keep going,” Mader said. “And how easy it would be to get away from all the hurt and anger and everything else that was frustrating me.”
However, Mader said she no longer has those thoughts.
“They were back for a while, but I have friends that make me see the good in going on for my sister and everything else, so it’s in the past now,” Mader said.
Although she hasn’t opened up to a lot of people about her thoughts and feelings surrounding her sister’s death, Mader said her sister’s friends have helped her out a lot and now play an important role in her life.
“[My sister’s] friends and I have definitely become a lot closer,” Mader said. “All of her best friends now act like older sisters to me, which I absolutely love.”
Because of this experience, Mader said she has come to realize she is stronger than she ever could’ve imagined.
“I can go through a lot more than I ever thought I could handle,” Mader said. “Now the smallest situations that most people would think about giving up on seem like the easiest things in the entire world for me to go through.”
Every day, Mader said she has to deal with people talking badly about people who attempt or commit suicide. She said these peoples’ assumptions are completely off base.
“People say that if you commit suicide, you’re stupid and pathetic and weak and everything else, but that’s not even remotely close to true,” Mader said. “Some people who commit suicide are the strongest people out there, but enough stuff builds up to the point that they just don’t know where else to turn.”
If she could give one piece of advice to anyone who is currently struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, it would be this:
“Think of all the people you’re going to leave behind,” Mader said. “Even if you think you’re going through the toughest time possible, just realize that there are people out there who love you and care about you, and it would wreck their world if you even had the thought of ending your life.”